October 10, 2008

The Condition of my Heart

About six months ago I was doing a haircut in my kitchen when God had a divine appointment set for me that day.  My sweet friend was getting a cute little “do” while I listened to what God had to share with me threw this sister in Christ.  I had been struggling with my heart for adoption, we had just started the process and I was so disappointed at the idea.  I knew I wanted more children but adoption wasn’t in my plan until baby #3.  So a battle raged on in my heart and mind everyday, the guilt of being in this process when I really didn’t want to.  I was experiencing a tremendous amount of anxiety and fear over meeting this baby someday.  I had convinced myself that every time I looked at this baby I would be reminded that it was not my child, it didn’t look like me and that it would always feel like a runner up, a sort of “settlement” from the Lord.  I was so disgusted with my heart. 

“Why don’t you begin asking God to change your heart, pray for passion and joy, excitement and longing, an incredible desire for this adopted child.”

I had shared all this with my friend that day.

And she simply said, “Why don’t you begin asking God to change your heart, pray for passion and joy, excitement and longing, an incredible desire for this adopted child.”  I though, that sounds so simple, kinda cliche, but inviting.  And this was the beginning of a new prayer for me. I had to take my eyes off myself long enough to just pray for my heart, the condition of it, confess the sin and selfish desires of pushing my will without considering God’s. 

Over the past few weeks I’ve been reflecting on this prayer, what God has done and not done.  Last night Noah and I went on a date and I sat there and shared with Him, holding back crying my eyes out, what God has done in my heart for this baby.  God has done a miracle, He has kept His promise, He is renewing my mind and molding my heart and I have done nothing but just ask.  The tears come so often when I think or talk about this baby because I’m just so overjoyed at the thought, humbled that He would choose me to raise this baby and blown away at the gentle molding He has taken the time to do in me.

When I pray for our next baby I realized that I am no longer praying for the “way” for God to bring this answer (biologically vs adopted) but rather I just find myself praying for this baby. For it’s life, it’s health, it’s time that God has appointed.  I no longer long to be pregnant, (don’t get me wrong, I would love to be and I know God could do this), but I no longer have the desire to ask nor do I even remember to.  My desire is ten fold what it was 6 months ago in regards to having more children.  When I daydream about this baby, I literally get butterflies in my stomach and the joy wells up in me like I cannot even describe.  The unbelief has dissolved, He had given me a confidence in Him as I pray and ask and seek.  I don’t struggle with wondering if He’s going to answer or how He’s going to answer.  When I was waiting for Owen, God gave me a verse, “Be still and know that I am God.”  And from that moment on I knew he was coming and my job was to wait and do nothing.  Last week God gave me a verse for this baby… “Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.”  (Isaiah 65:24) 

For the first time in my life, in regards to this prayer request, I am finding myself now in a place of thankfulness.  I have never understood how someone could pray as if they had received but I also don’t know if I’ve ever experienced a desire that I watched God give, grow and nurture.  When I pray in my own strength and will, confidence in Him, assurance of His will can’t be clearly seen, leading to a life of pathetic selfish prayer time, unbelief and lack of faith (fear in my case!).  I just find myself so full of joy and peace, excitement and longing.  Yesterday I was spending some time with Him and I wrote in my journal, “Lord, I pray for this baby to come soon, not because I can’t wait any longer, or because Owen is getting older, but because I am just so excited to meet him/her! 

How sweet is our God?  How incredible is He?  I really am learning that God’s ways are so much better than mine.  God cares so much about the condition of our heart.  The process of waiting for this baby has been such a blessing to me, I can finally say, three years into trying and waiting, that I wouldn’t have wanted it one day sooner. God knew my heart wasn’t ready and I am so grateful that He showed me that.

2 Comments So Far...

January 07, 2009 Julie

God knows your a wonderful mother and He knows your ready. Have faith and God with answer your prayers.

January 16, 2009 Danika

Thanks Julie! I hope you are feeling well.

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