April 30, 2011

Do I trust Him?

My Lord.  I have forsaken you. 

To trust is to be committed into the care of another, to have or place reliance on; depend, hope, to have confidence in. I recently had some swollen lymph nodes on my neck, they became this way about two months ago as I’ve been fighting a severe sinus infection since last November.  After a round of antibiotics, the enlarged lymph nodes didn’t change in size.  My mind began to race. This just so happened to play out shortly after lent started this year and what I had given up for the 40 days was to not go on the internet regarding any health questions or concerns because this was a real temptation for me given my health issues.  I obstained from doing so until one day, about three weeks in, I chose to let my mind feel numb and I raced onto the internet, where, within a few minutes I had found my diagnosis, I must have lymphoma.  Thus began two of the worst weeks of my life, riddled with worry, fear, anxiety and flat out “satan having a grip on me” experience.  All the information I had taken in had done what it always did and led me running from God into the comfort of my fears and lies that I try so hard to keep at bay. 

My doctor finally decided to get a biopsy ordered, mostly for my peace of mind, he said.  My biopsy was scheduled for yesterday at 8:30 am.  Up until this point, I had felt forgotten by God, left and forsaken.  I knew that wasn’t true, I knew what the word said but my feelings were drastically experiencing the opposite.  I got on my knees and begged the Lord speak to me, begged the Lord show up in mighty way before entering this appointment.  At this point, all I wanted to experience was His peace. 

I got up from my knees early yesterday morning and opened “My Upmost for His Highest”, dated April 29th.  And this is what is said….

Gracious Uncertainty
“...it is not yet revealed what we shall be…” (1 John 3:2)
Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We imagine that we have to reach some end, but that is not the nature of spiritual life. The nature of spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty, consequently we do not make our nests anywhere. Common sense says - “Well, supposing I were in that condition . . .” We cannot suppose ourselves in any condition we have never been in. Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life: gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness, it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. Immediately we abandon to God, and do the duty that lies nearest, He packs our life with surprises all the time. When we become advocates of a creed, something dies; we do not believe God, we only believe our belief about Him. Jesus said, “Except ye become as little children.” Spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, but uncertain of what He is going to do next.

We are not uncertain of God, but uncertain of what He is going to do next.

If we are only certain in our beliefs, we get dignified and severe and have the ban of finality about our views; but when we are rightly related to God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy.
“Believe also in Me,” said Jesus, not - “Believe certain things about Me.” Leave the whole thing to Him, it is gloriously uncertain how He will come in, but He will come. Remain loyal to Him.

The Lord had spoken so gently to me.  How awesome that the God of creation would speak to me this morning in my anguish and fear.  I’ve been very humbled through this, seeing so much of how I don’t trust Him and His good for me…that I have not placed my confidence or hope in the very one who made me and knows me.  After reading this, it renewed my hope, it reminded me of the journey that God has me on, that it is good, and can be full of joy and the awesomeness of God if I would surrender and abandon myself to Him, allow Him to do His work in me so He can be glorified and others would know that He is the one true God.

Allow Him to do His work in me so He can be glorified and others would know that He is the one true God.

The pathologist was awesome, sweet and kind and gentle.  She did the biopsy and left the room with the slide, came back and she said she was 90+% sure it was benign and saw NO CANCER CELLS!!!!!  I immediately covered my face and cried..one of the most humbling moments in my life…to realize just how little I trusted Him…how little I believe in His goodness and faithfulness.

God has revealed several things in my life that are hindering me from trusting Him and I’m praying that He weed those things out of my life. I really do desire to be used for His glory but I’m realizing that prayer is quite loaded….but as He reminded me through this devotional, that “loaded”  is full of surprises and can be exciting, I guess it’s all on how I choose to perceive things….from an eternal perspective or from my own common sense…(or of course the internet)!

I’m just a mess of a sinful being that God is making whole day by day.  Praise Him for His grace and mercy!


1 Comments So Far...

July 15, 2011 Cindy Vaughn

So glad to have found your site.

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